so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
