Soap is not a condiment
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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