i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
