My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize