They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
