I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
