can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize