did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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