a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
