Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
