It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
