Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
