I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
