Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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