i think i have two assholes
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
