thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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