i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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