Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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