I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
