my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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