i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize