So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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