His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
