the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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