I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
