i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize