GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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