Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize