so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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