Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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