My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
True strength comes from lack of pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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