Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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