Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
