i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
