i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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