If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
