just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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