I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
