I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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