dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
