note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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