I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
