then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
