I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize