Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
