Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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