I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize