Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
