I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
where are you?
Hypothermia
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
