Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
