It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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