were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize