what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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