There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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