That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
