Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
