i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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