I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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