All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
