Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
