i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
