I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My dick has a subreddit
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
