He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
