So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We are two peas in an std pod
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
