I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
