you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
