I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
